I don't know why I think I should talk about this. I guess the real reason is so if someone who is going through this somehow manages to find my blog they can know what I learned from this without having to go through as much crap as I did. Or maybe I just like to ramble. Or maybe this is something I just need to get off my chest, and I don't want to tell a real person so I'm going to tell the internet. Whatever it is, I'm finally going to do this. This is what I learned from depression
First things first, I should probably explain why I was depressed. I usually tell people it was because one of my closest friends attempted suicide and my mom was away from home for a while, but that's kind of a lie. I'm pretty sure my cutting actually helped encourage my suicidal friend to cut as well. I'm not proud of that, and thinking I could have spared him that pain by not being an idiot kind of scares me more than anything else. But the real reason I was depressed is so much more complicated than these events. They definitely didn't help, but they were not the reason I was.
So, the real reason. Mostly, pressure, I think, along with just not really being able to comprehend what was going on in my life. Now, I was only in sophomore year of high school, so it is a bit sad that I was so flustered at this point. My life has been incredibly blessed, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I just had a lot going on that year. I was trying to be a successful student, swimmer, and competitor in an event called science olympiad all at the same time, and it wasn't working. I think I was driving myself a bit crazy, and it didn't help when people got angry at me for not doing something, or the looks my honors chemistry teacher gave every time you didn't know something, or that I was confused about where I fit in my friend groups, but I was confused. And I didn't understand what I was feeling. So, I found a pair of scissors in my room and pressed them into my arm. Suddenly there was a pain I could understand. A hurt that was simple to fix. And by doing that I could control some tiny part of my life, and nothing else mattered.
Then, of course, my friend got incredibly depressed. He told me he had attempted suicide, and then disappeared. Turns out he was in rehab program and made an incredible recovery, but I had no idea what had happened. For most of two months I thought he was dead. I spent days wondering whether or not I would be invited to the funeral. I was scared, and I had no idea what to do. So, I brought the scissors back with a vengeance I even took them to school, where I would lock myself in the bathroom and use the pain to stop thinking about the fact that there was a chance one of my best friends was dead, and I hadn't been able to stop him. And then my grandfather hurt himself and my mom had to help him and my grandmother as they made trips to the hospital, and I felt completely helpless. These were people I cared about, and yet I was doing nothing to help them. I had no idea of how to deal with these emotions, so, once again, I created physical pain, that was easy enough to deal with, and distracted myself from reality.
Eventually I met with my friend again and my mom came home. Everything worked out fine. I am slightly amazed it did, but it did. And I haven't cut myself purposefully since them. Now, I don't think anyone should have to go through this, but I did learn a lot from it. Cutting myself didn't solve anything. Neither did crying, worrying, complaining, or stressing. All these did was make me more stressed, pressured, and confused. I try not to do these things anymore. I do cry, and I can't get angry at people for crying in the right situations. But crying out of helplessness, crying because you failed a test, or had a long week, or are worried about social situations never helps. Smiling, on the other hand, almost always makes me feel better. It is sort of amazing how much moving just a few facial muscles can brighten my outlook on life. Also just keeping a positive outlook. If you approach something expecting it to be fun, or at least trying your best to enjoy it, there is a pretty good chance you will. Or it can help.
Anyways, this is the reason why I am constantly telling people to smile. And why the thing I am most afraid of is not being there when someone close needs me. And why I will never cut myself again. Life is worth living. It can suck, it can beat at you until you feel worthless and hopeless, but it usually gets better. The word is a beautiful place. Our planet is a spectacular thing. The more I learn about space, the more impressed I am by us. We are incredible, and we should cherish this.
I know that probably a grand total of zero people read this, but If someone did, I hope it could help. Life is always worth living. Please, never forget this, and please, remember to smile. I swear by it.
